ADVICE
Here you will find a synopsis of some of the themes I have recently discussed at a Tallinn High School. Other readers are welcome too. The audience is not only for young people but anyone interested in thinking about how our communication skills and the ways in which we relate to others affect our inimate lives. Even a bit of effort here will produce massive results!
I’ll use terms like ‘girls’ and ‘boys’ though many of the topics are equally important and true to all genders. Also, it’s worth repeating that many of these sentences are generalities - of course everyone is different and we are each capable of a wide range of behaviours and feelings. So, just take whatever is useful to you and leave the rest!
In my consultations and bodywork therapy, I work mostly with men, so most of my comments here are about guys and how to understand them (or themselves!) better. Again, take what resonates and leave the rest!
Here are some short versions of themes we we covered; if anyone is interested in more detailed info, you’re welcome to write to me and I’m happy to share more info (steve.kokker@gmail.com or via IG or Messenger).
THE SHORT SHORT SHORT VERSION:
Drink tea consciously! Meditation helps.
Touch consciously! Good touch is better than good sex any day.
Be a good person and see/encourage the goodness in another.
Try to relax into being who you are, with all your weird body bits and characteristics that some people don’t like. Hint: you will eventually be comfortable with yourself, so try to save the 50 or 60 years it takes most people!
LONGER VERSION:
It all starts with Communication!
All roads lead back to communication skills, feeling comfortable expressing what one needs and limits, and before that trying to understand what that even means - where am I right now, what do I want right now? It’s also OK to be honest about not knowing. It’s OK not to know now. Not knowing is part of the process of knowing.
Some online tests you can take alone or with a friend or partner to help you understand yourself and each other better:
What is your/their Love Language?
https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language
In your intimate life, what kind of sensual/erotic person are you?
What are my/my partner’s limits? How can I know what I’m OK with and what is not for me, right now? Here’s a super long list - going through it and asking, is this a Yes, No or Maybe for me today will help find out!
https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/yes_no_maybe_so_a_sexual_inventory_stocklist
How to Communicate Better
This is a skill to be learned over a lifetime. Some tips we discussed about being a better listener and asking better questions:
A good listener…
Tries not to think of self while the other speaks
Avoids automatic quick solutions or quick responses
Maintains eye contact, send signals I have time for you
Sets up calming atmosphere
Makes sounds or gestures which shows attention: smiles, reactions which shows ‘I have time for you and am focused on you’.
Senses if speaker would like to just be listened to or is seeking advice (ask!)
Good question-askers…
Show empathy and seeing from the other person’s perspective
Show genuine curiosity (not that they already have an answer in mind). Each question is a key to a locked door
Ask questions which reveal a desire to truly understand the other and deepen a connection
Provoke thought in the other, asking questions that are not easy to answer
Ask fewer closed ended questions (that can be answered with Yes/No) and more open-ended ones (Google search for hints how to do this!)
Ask the question they really want to ask, for ex ‘Can you help me move furniture with your car tomorrow from 17-19?’ and not just ‘Are you busy tomorrow?’ even if it seems like it takes longer at first. Hint: give context to your questions, let your friends know why you are asking what you are asking.
Ask questions the other person will enjoy answering
Ask questions which will add value to (their own) and their friends’ experience, make them feel seen and listened to, excited to share etc
Conscious Touch
Some super quick notes - on this subject I could go on and on!
Work on yourself, not focus too much on techniques. A conscious touch comes from a conscious person. But in the meantime, here are some tips…
The less ‘you’ (ego/worries/plans…), the better your touch will be. Drop the mind and go with the flow.
Be honest with your own motivations and desires behind your touch. Who is this touch for? Do you have any hidden desires or expectations that you’re not being honest about?
(I really believe that) all deep actions start from a space of emptiness, so become friends with this emptiness inside (tea, meditation, yoga, silence, discipline over mind).
Cultivate gratitude for access to person, for being in this situation, the beauty of this intimate situation
Cultivate an awe of the human body
Conscious loving touch is better in the long run than just good-feeling sex but without a deeper connection
Set the stage (calm, relaxing, safe atmosphere). Encourage trust and relaxation.
At least sometimes, offer a massage session to a partner with no sexual touch; this will deepen touch.
Keep yourself chill - remember, good feelings in general and sexual arousal are dependent upon relaxation and a sense of trust
Remember, your touch begind before the actual touch and ends after it too. Play with using your fingers as sensory receptors as well as transmitters of care and good energy.
DEALING WITH BODY SHAME / AWKWARDNESS
There is almost no human alive who at some points (especially in the teen years) does not feel awkward about or ashamed about aspects of their physical bodies. Media, advertising and porn do not help by promoting a feel that our this-and-that should be bigger/smaller/longer/thinner/whiter/nicer… It’s incredibly normal to feel this way. One of our biggest challenges in life is to start this process of self-acceptance as soon as we can. Because accepting our physical selves as we came into the world isn’t just about our bodies, it is connected to how we live, how we love, how we think, how open we are to life itself.
Laura Dodsworth is a UK photographer who has interviewed hundreds of men and women about their relationships with their intimate body parts and how that self-perception has affected their entire lives. It’s hard to find her books, but you can read about some of what she discovered - fascinating stuff! - here. May these be inspiration for you to first accept, then embrace, then love who you are as you are:
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/sep/06/womens-breasts-laura-dodsworth-photography
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/resources/idt-sh/Why_I_Photographed_100_Vulvas
ADVICE FOR GIRLS (and cool stuff about guys for guys!)
Tips For Girls For Yourselves:
Try not to lose individuality and get lost in others reality
Take your time, there’s no rush, try not to get lost in a first love, take it as free and easy as you can. Stats show that first relationships are more about learning experiences (really valuable) than about lifelong partners and babies and houses. It might take all years to find the person you'll end up with so no need to worry if he is the one right now
You don’t need to do anything that isn’t an inner YES!. Look for that inner Yes, a voice from the tummy that says ‘yes’. It can take years and decades to sharpen a sense of knowing what it right for you and the ability to say so to someone else, but do nourish that connection with your inner self.
Although it’s rare, not knowing one’s limits and being unable to state them can lead to tragic consequences. Here are some resources if you find yourself in an abusive situation: see on Instagram Lalalaletmeexplain or https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/
Hints for Gals about Guys:
Respect or encourage a guy’s desire to be alone (often they get grumpy if they don’t get alone time, don’t take it personally), or to be with other guys (boys need to play with the boys every so often).
Boys have fears too, shame, body issues, often worried about sexual functioning, or the look of their body or penis. Some boys have experienced unpleasant unwanted touch and may feel awkward in intimate situations. It’s normal for their sexuality to be moody also, and totally normal to sometimes not get hard, lose their erection, or to decide not to cum. Try not to take any of these natural things personally and show him that it’s no big deal, that it was amazing to be with him.
We are all walking beings of hurts and fears, and we all react from impulses we don’t understand. During everyday communication things are usually fine and under control but in more extreme situations these can come out. It’s hard to be empathic as we are going through the same things, but just keeping in mind that some of the weird behaviour you see have reasons which are not clearly obvious.
Yes, ‘post-nut’ clarity is a thing :) There are sometimes noticeable changes in behaviour following ejaculation. Some men feel super empowered and happy, some even are more able to focus on work once they get their sex-obsessed thoughts out of their system. But many others feel sleepy, and others can regret something they did during sex and re-think their actions. They may not even understand why they suddenly feel so different, and may feel like leaving, jumping out of bed and out the door. There are many hormonal reasons for this. Not everyone reacts this way, but try not to take sudden mood changes (or snoring) following an ejaculation!
Not every guy wants to have sex as often as possible!
Never tell a guy his penis is funny looking or not big enough. Find some aspect about it that you like and compliment!
Many guys are trapped in a false or confusing idea of what it means to be a man. Tender but tough, gentle and strong, caring but taking action, sensitive to your needs but also taking control…ahhh this can be confusing. And in one’s teens, one is figuring out who one is, so all these mixed messages can be too much sometimes. Sure, in some ways things are freer than before regarding gender roles and behaviours, but no one has it super easy here, all are vulnerable to social pressure. If you want him to open up and express his feelings and he doesn’t know how, don’t push - he may have learned that this can be dangerous to do.
Guys often take your words at face value, so beware of game playing, trying to get him to read your mind and guess what you really mean (if you tell him, ‘Fine, go meet your friends, I’ll stay in and go to sleep early,’ he might say, ‘Ok, cool, love you, talk to you tomorrow!’ He’ll be confused and frustrated if you text him hours later angry that he’s not with you!)
ADVICE FOR GUYS ABOUT THEMSELVES
Remember that it’s completely welcome and normal: to feel awkward about your body/body parts; if your penis seems to have a mood of its own; if your penis looks and acts differently than what you see in porn; to feel confused about what you’re expected to do as a ‘man’.
Celebrate your ‘weird’ aspects and your differences! As they say, ‘flaunt the imperfection.’
Porn: there are some good aspects to it but it has a way of changing your brain before you’re even aware of it and can change your expectations about yourself, others and sex in general. Yes, it can literally change the brain: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OtQBxsf1st8&ab_channel=HoyZeyn
As alternatives to porn, try ‘feminist’ porn, lesbian porn, and even more challenging things like: using your imagination, reading erotic stories, or even listen to erotic stories being read (maybe something like this https://www.podchaser.com/podcasts/the-kiss-me-quicks-erotica-2788/episodes/feral-by-rose-caraway-133768404)
Try conscious masturbation not just to quickly ‘scratch an itch’. The details would be really long to write here but include: not using porn for example, not cuming sometimes but instead focusing on physical sensations (and being present to the frustration), exploring the rest of the body, taking your time, focusing on deeper breathing, trying edging, focusing on your whole body, using oil, standing up, kneeling down…Google ‘tantric masturbation’. There is soooo much more to your sexuality and arousal than a short, feel-good moment. Through conscious self-arousal you can understand your own body (better than most head-oriented men ever will) and learn to direct life energy to nourish a more energized life in general.
You will experience erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation, it’s normal - your sexuality is moody like you. Don’t worry about it. If it persists for a long time, find some advice (you’re welcome to write to me, for example).
Want to Increase Your Penis Size? No matter all the tricks on the web, sorry, sorry, it can’t be done (nor does it ever need to be - yours is super fine as is it!) But! Considering that sex happens in our minds first and foremost, how about working on things that can improve your confidence - and projecting confidence is endlessly more sexy than any cock on planet earth. So...energetically, become a big cock!
Work on becoming more confident (easier said than done, but this document is already long enough as it is!), work on understanding yourself, on self improvement, and when with others (anyone), work to increase your degree of presence, respect, listening ability while also standing firmly on your own solid ground.
You can increase your stamina (vastupidavus) to last longer sexually and in life in general - through physical training and self discipline. Do things that are uncomfortable regularly! No need to abuse yourself. But introduce some discomfort daily into your routine to prevent getting too soft. You will definitely regret this in a few short years if you have become too attached to comfort. The world we are living in will need you to be quickly adaptable and ready to cope with things that are unwanted and uncomfortable.
Become creative and skilled in pleasing your partner
Realise that sex and eroticism is something more than just genital pleasure, but also a deep emotional or spiritual communication, a sacred dance, a gift, an exchange of respect and love, connecting with something greater than the little voice in the head.
Celebrate in an honest way the rarity and preciousness of life which flows you.
Finally, a question asked from girls about guys…
Why do guys cheat so often, and not see anything wrong with it?
This was a question often asked.
For men, connecting sex with love/emotion/deeper connection in some cases might take a while (or a lifetime) to learn. They will often need the help of a patient and sensitive partner in order to feel that at a deeper level (and not just ‘know/understand’ this in the mind) sex can be an expression of love, or that sex and emotion are interconnected, that sex can be a way deeper experience than they can imagine.
This is a big source of frustration for many girls - that guys can be pretty mechanical and cold about sex, and therefore have no big issues to go and cheat on them with other girls (“But baby, it was just sex with her, it didn’t mean anything! I love you, I wanna be with you, with the other girls, it’s just sex, don’t you get that?” “Uh…no I don’t get that, piss off!”)
Why don’t guys always feel that sex and emotion/love are so deeply connected? It’s a long and interesting story, and there are many factors, each would benefit from longer discussions, but in short:
Male conditioning to not place great importance in general to their emotional lives; to be in some competition with other guys to ‘score’ more (have sex with more girls is better than with few or none); a sense of ‘conquest/victory’ is part of manliness; getting what you want is good for a man.
Men’s physical make-up and mechanics that he is given at birth. Male physiology can be very quickly aroused - he can get hard and cum if he wants in about a minute (not that that feels good in any way)
CONNECTING TO INNER WISDOM / SHAMANIC JOURNEYING
I’m glad I had a chance to share a shamanic drum journey to the Underworld with you. The main point was to emphasise that you are and can be supported by more than you see in your everyday life. That your mind and imagination is an essential part of our creativity and the way you relate to the world.
To continue to nourish this unfolding relationship with yourself, meditation practices are great! Tea is a great friend. Spending some quiet alone time with no telephone is helpful. Drawing, writing, listening to music, walking calmly in nature - these all are amazing to help keep us in balance. But sometimes we need more, and as we discovered, sometimes going deep into our own minds (what in the shamanic tradition can be termed taking a ‘journey’ to the Upper or Lower Worlds) can provide an incredible amount of insight and support. This is a huge topic. For those who wish to try what we practiced together and explore further, here is a drum track by a famous western shaman to use as a soundtrack:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ourvDU8OYq0&ab_channel=CaminhoNativoTonyPaix%C3%A3o
And here are two articles to provide more context. Remember, if you do these visualisations and feel nervous or uncomfortable during them, just drop it. There is no need to do these. It can feel weird or scary. If it does, just stop. Do one of the activites mentioned above and you’re already ahead of the game! Life itself is around us in many ways and holds out a hand towards us, inviting us to take a moment to remember that we are more than what is going on in our heads…
https://zoritomova.medium.com/shamanic-journeying-how-to-get-started-in-20-minutes-3f6301a905cd
https://www.depthinsights.com/blog/shamanic-initiation-and-learning-through-direct-experience/
And finally one video where a western shaman speaks about the shamanic journey. She does a good job of describing why this is done and what are the differences between the lower, middle and upper worlds:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R917ndnIeLg&ab_channel=ScienceandNonduality
